If you’re an INFJ, you may or may not have heard of the INFJ door slam.
Odds are, even if you haven’t heard of it before, there’s a good chance you’ve put it into practice.
I didn’t learn about MBTI or discover my INFJ personality type until I was in my mid-twenties. When I learned what the INFJ door slam is, I realized I’d definitely done it a handful of times in the past.
Today, we’ll look at what the INFJ door slam is, when it can happen, why it can happen, how long it lasts, and how INFJs can recover.
What is the INFJ door slam?
The INFJ door slam is a defense mechanism built into most (if not all) INFJs.
Essentially, when an INFJ has been pushed too far by a person or group, they will abruptly and definitively cut off all ties to this person or group.
This response is similar to slamming a door with the offending party on the other side.
If a conflict reaches the door slam stage, there is very little room for discussion.
However, this response doesn’t come easily. INFJs are typically very forgiving, so if the door slam happens, it’s because the INFJ has given someone every possible chance and been hurt deeply and repeatedly.
Utilizing the door slam is not a decision the INFJ makes lightly. If they’re pulling it out of their toolbox, it’s to protect themselves from giving more than they can afford to give.
The door slam is not done out of malice. It often comes into play when an INFJ realizes they don’t have any more energy to give to the offender.
In most cases, they don’t wish any ill will towards the person on the receiving end. They simply stop caring and stop giving the person their time and energy.
When can the INFJ door slam happen?
Like we touched on, the door slam often comes after a series of repeated offenses from a person or group of people.
INFJs typically like to see the best in people–especially their family, friends, and institutions they believe in. They will accept apologies and do their best to move past most conflicts.
However, when a person makes it a habit of apologizing but then continues their hurtful behavior, there will come a point where the INFJ will simply cut this person out of their life.
It may seem abrupt to the person on the receiving end. This may largely be because this person has gotten so accustomed to being forgiven, that they’re genuinely stunned when it doesn’t happen again.
However, door slams are almost always the result of repeated situations, offenses, and abuses that have been building over time.
Why does the INFJ door slam happen?
INFJs will often resort to the door slam when they’ve been repeatedly hurt. This may be physical, but more often than not, it’s emotional.
It may also happen if they feel their time, energy, or support is being consistently taken advantage of.
INFJs often don’t mind giving their time, energy and support to loved ones. But it’s important that their boundaries be respected and that the actions be reciprocated when the INFJ is in need.
A door slam may also come into effect when a person has done any of these things to someone the INFJ cares about, or if a person is being outwardly and repeatedly hurtful to a vulnerable group of people.
The INFJ may first try to educate and correct the offending party, but if it’s clear this person has no interest in making a change, the door slam will likely be implemented.
For more on the INFJ door slam, check out this post.
Is it forever?
Often times, yes, the door slam is forever.
This is largely because the door slam isn’t something that the INFJ jumps to. It’s only put into place after other forms of conflict resolution have been implemented.
This means that by the time the door slam is used, the person on the receiving end has proven that their hurtful or careless behavior isn’t a one-time thing or a mistake. It’s a pattern of behavior that’s not likely to change.
Simply put, it’s who this person is.
The INFJ is very forgiving, but there’s a breaking point. It can take a lot for a person to push an INFJ to that point, so if it happens, it means a significant amount of damage has been done and trust has been severely violated.
And at the end of the day, there are few things the INFJ values more than trust. By the time the door slam is put into place, the INFJ has often decided that they don’t trust this person not to continue to hurt them.
It is incredibly difficult to win an INFJ back once trust has been violated on such a deep level.
But with that said, it isn’t always impossible. If a person can prove to the INFJ (over an extended period of time) that their behavior has truly changed, it may be possible to get past the door slam.
But it will take a significant amount of work on the part of the offender.
How to recover
The door slam is often swift and definitive. Once an INFJ is done, they are so done they often come off as cold and emotionless.
But that doesn’t mean it’s easy on the INFJ. If you’re an INFJ going through a door slam, you may find it takes you some time to recover from it.
This will be in part because the period leading up to the door slam was so damaging and agonizing, it may leave you emotionally drained.
It can also be in part because the person you’re door slamming once played an important role in your life. Therefore, cutting them out can be a painful and difficult thing to do.
Give yourself time to recover. Take time off from work or school if you can. Retreat to your introvert sanctuary, and consider implementing some self-care tactics that are similar to recovering from an introvert hangover.
You also may want to try some of these recharging tips.
Ultimately, it’s important to keep in mind, that this tactic is there to help you remove toxic people from your life.
Reflect on your experience with this person. Call to mind the numerous chances you gave them. Call to mind the numerous ways they violated your trust and boundaries.
Then give yourself credit for protecting and standing up for yourself, and allow yourself to heal from the experience.
Looking for more in-depth tips on how to build your best, happiest introvert life?
If you want to dig a little deeper into this topic, check out the Introvert Life Guide!
This guide was designed to help you build the introvert life of your dreams.
It will also help you embrace your introverted nature and build a life to help you thrive!
For more introvert life tips, check out the other introvert posts!
Sound off: Have you had experience with the INFJ door slam? Tell us about it in the comments!
Hi Meghan,
I am an INFJ, introvert, artist, writer, lover of life and nature, wife and mother of 2 adult children.
In reading “the door slam” on your blog I kept saying to myself – yes, yes -yes – finally! someone understands me!
For me it happened when a new couple moved into our rural community. I connected with her on some levels but there were many other levels where I felt she just doesn’t understand what I am saying or where I am coming from. We had a mutual love of animals and laughter but she little by little she seemed to always bring drama along to the table. And she was very nosey about the other folks in the community – gossipy – which really rubs me the wrong way. Everyone deserves their privacy and frankly I don’t care what people do as long as it doesn’t affect me adversely.
At first, I tried to help her in a positive way with solutions to her latest and newest issues. She would make a half-hearted effort and then fall back into the same old dilemma. And complain about her situation. Then the medical issues began – one thing after the next. At first, I was empathetic and even came over to her home and did a deep thorough cleaning because she couldn’t do much. I took her to lunch – drove her to appts. When we would get together it was becoming more and more of an opportunity to complain about her conditions and the financial burden it was creating and less about any kind of friendship. Slowly – and i mean slowly – I began to see that I was nothing more than a sounding board for her troubles. She would not try to help herself in the ways that would truly bring about positive change and that frustrated me.
Finally I reached a breaking point. She was texting me a “woe is me” story and how bad things were and how she is a private person and never complains about her personal issues (huh?) and no one knows the pain and suffering she is experiencing — and so on. Well, I must say, I took that opportunity to not inquire further about her latest “condition”. She wanted privacy? – ok – i can do that. I simply wished her good luck in her coming appts. Well — that was NOT going to sit well with her! I received new texts, now accusing me of not being a friend and not caring — and “I thought you cared about me but apparently not”… etc etc. Then she went on FB and posted something about false friends. OmG. Well you can imagine what happened. yep. The door slam. I am so glad they have a name for it. There have been only a few times in my life where I have used it. Maybe twice and this was once.
It felt so good – to finally just exit out of that toxic relationship. I hate that it didn’t work out because we did have some fun times but honestly the rest of it was just too much. The accusations that I was uncaring and unfeeling were the nails in the coffin.
Thanks for your blog! enjoyed it immensely. Very well written. – warm regards & best wishes, Diane
Wow, Diane, thank you so much for reading and for commenting! I know exactly what it feels like to read a post and *finally* feel understood and I’m so glad this post and blog can do that for you. I’m also really glad you got yourself out of a toxic relationship. Door slams are never fun and it usually takes a lot for us to get to that point, but they can be very necessary. I’m really happy you found your way here! ❤️
Ahahaha ~ now I know what the name is. Thank’s a lot for write it down, Megh..
So, it happened at 2017 and I find myself still struggling until now with the side effect of the door slam. I lost my inner circle at that time, after 5 years of our friendships. Ahahaha ~
I laugh not because it’s funny. But because it still hurts sometimes. There are days when I doubt myself for doing the right thing, -the door slam-, because I heard they said I was playing victim. But no matter how hard I try, I just can’t let them know me anymore. And I never see our pics again, although I don’t throw it away..
Um, Megh, did you take a long time too to recover yourself from the side effect of the door slam? I always wondering if it’s too long for me, but I can’t help it. I can’t rush myself to get better soon and feel like nothing’s wrong. Do you have any suggest for it?
Hey! I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Unfortunately, I’m not sure I can offer too much insight into your particular situation. I’m lucky in that I wasn’t as close to anyone I door slammed as you seemed to be to your former friends. In some cases, it was a family member (but not an overly close one), in some cases, it was a friend (but not an inner circle friend). Regardless, for me, it’s always been the result of a series of events over time and by the time I finally pulled the trigger, the pattern of behavior of the other party was too obvious and harmful to ignore. And while I was hurt and angry by their actions leading up to the door slam, by the time I finally cut them off I felt more empowered and freed. I needed time to heal from the turmoil of the situation, but not so much the loss–the people I’d been dealing with had been consistently awful enough that it didn’t feel like that much of a loss to me by that point.
But I will say, I don’t believe in comparing how I heal vs. how someone else heals, and I wouldn’t advise you to either. If you really feel like you’re struggling to heal, you might want to consider reaching out to a mental health professional. Helping people heal from this kind of stuff is their area of expertise, and they may also be able to help you better make peace with your decision.
I hope this is some help. Best of luck to you! <3
Ah, okay. Thank you, Megh.. 🙂
There have been a few instances of applying this before I ever understood why I did it. Usually, it was due to repeated boundary issues (my need for privacy and alone time is a constant source of challenge for some people) or in siding w/ my spouse over former friends that attempted professional & relationship sabotage. The most painful, and most recent, involved my father over repeated broken trust and changes in his demeanor. He has became cruel, judgemental, unbending, condescending, and projected all kinds of nasty behavior. It was incredibly hurtful coming from someone I had loved and looked up to my whole 40 years of life. Prior to this, for years we (my spouse, parents, & I) had been planning and researching in-law suites when we finally retired, in order to care for my parents as they aged. Dad finally dropped the hammer that he had no intention on ever moving and accused me of trying to split up my parent’s marriage (which I heard thru several back channels & from my mom.) They have been married a year longer than I am old. Why in the world would I ever wish to do that??? That was really the final straw for me. Old hurts and memories from all the years flooded back like a tidal wave. It was an almost instant door slam…rejection and hurt one too many times. My heart hardened toward him and I don’t know if I can ever trust him again. It’s been pretty awful, but I’m starting to feel more at peace about it. No one but an INFJ will ever understand this.
It’s so true, it’s a pretty unique INFJ experience. I’ve absolutely been accused of “holding a grudge” against someone but that’s never the case. It’s about witnessing a pattern of behavior (for quite some time) and getting to the point where I don’t trust the person not to continually hurt me or someone else I care about. I really does boil down to trust and/or respect. It sucks every time it happens and it’s even worse when it’s someone who was very close to you. I’m so sorry you’ve had to pull the door slam out but I’m glad you’re finding peace with it. I hope that continues to grow for you! ❤️
When it’s family, it kinda sucks. Every single person has shown me I can’t trust them or are toxic. The downside is I don’t feel I have a family and makes me feel alone at times.
It definitely does suck when that’s the case. I don’t know if this perspective will be helpful, but I firmly believe that family are the people who treat you like family. If you’re very lucky, those people happen to be related to you, but they don’t have to be. Removing toxic people from your life allows you to make room for the family you deserve. I hope your people find you someday soon! 💕