Introvert Guilt: How to Deal With It

To me, introvert guilt is the guilt introverts feel when they cancel or turn down invites.

On occasion, this guilt may be justified, but more often than not it’s a result of unfair or unrealistic expectations from either ourselves or others.

So how can we manage this guilt?

This post aims to break down what exactly introvert guilt is, where it comes from, and some tips to help you navigate it.

What is introvert guilt?

Like we touched on in the intro, introvert guilt is that pang of guilt introverts often feel when they cancel, turn down, or leave an event for an introvert related reason.

Sometimes this guilt can be more than just a pang. In some cases, it may stick with you. So much so, that it can become difficult for introverts to take full advantage of the downtime they’ve created for themselves.

By my estimation, there are two types of introvert guilt. Self-imposed guilt and third-party imposed guilt.

Let’s take a closer look at each.

Self-imposed

Self-imposed introvert guilt is when an individual introvert feels guilty about canceling, turning down an invitation, leaving early, setting an introvert related boundary, etc.

This guilt is purely produced internally and often because the introvert believes they “should” be showing up or behaving in a more extroverted way.

The belief may come from years of societal conditioning, or it could be out of an individual desire to be a better friend/partner/sibling/child/etc.

Essentially, you’re passing on something you don’t have the energy for, but for one reason on another, you feel like you’re doing the wrong thing.

Third-party imposed

Third-party imposed guilt can come in the same situations.

Except in this case, it’s not the individual introvert creating the guilt within themselves. It’s another person saying or suggesting the introvert should feel guilty.

This could be a friend who was looking forward to dinner or a parent trying to guilt you into attending a wedding for a more distant family member you’ve never met, among others.

How to manage self-imposed introvert guilt

Consider if the situation had been reversed

If you had a friend who really wasn’t up for something you had invited them to, would you want them feel like the “had” to show up?

I can’t answer this question for you, but for me, the answer is no. I would not want my friends, family, or anyone feel like they have to be somewhere for me when it isn’t their thing or if they just aren’t up for it.

Similarly, if someone I cared about was setting or enforcing a boundary, I’d be happy to know what they need and proud of them for taking care of themselves in this way.

Of course, we all have big once-in-a-lifetime events where we’d be really hurt if someone wasn’t there for us. But in this case, I’m mainly talking about recurring events or events for people who aren’t all that close to you.

Overall, this perspective changed a lot for me.

It made it a lot easier for me to say no or cancel because I would genuinely want my friends or family to do the same to me if they weren’t up for an get together for whatever reason.

Consider if you’d really be the best version of yourself if you went

Sometimes I find it helps to remember that if I’m rundown or not in the headspace to socialize, I’m really not doing anyone any favors by showing up.

I won’t the more animated, engaging person that was invited. I also won’t enjoy myself, and after a while, it’ll probably show.

On top of that, since I’m going into this event rundown, it’ll mean I’m not going to much good to myself or others for a day or two after the event either.

I think sometimes self-imposed introvert guilt happens because we feel selfish. But the reality is when we turn things down that will drain us, we’re not only helping ourselves, but everyone we may come into contact with.

If appropriate, consider what you can do as an alternative

Just because you’re turning down an invite doesn’t mean you have to turn down the person who invited you.

If there’s a situation your introverted self would rather not be in, but you still want to spend time with or celebrate the person inviting you, consider suggesting an alternative activity you both would enjoy.

For instance, if you’re someone who’s not big on bachelor/bachelorette parties, pass on the party, but offer to take the guest of honor to a nice lunch or dinner another time.

Once you make the decision, lean into the joy of opting out and staying true to yourself

Hopefully one of the options above helps you to minimize your self-imposed guilt.

But if you still have some lingering guilt, I find it helpful to keep in mind that putting energy towards my guilt isn’t helpful.

Especially once I’ve already opted out.

In fact, it often undercuts the downtime I’ve carved out for myself.

So I try to keep in mind how good it feels to be home taking care of myself and how miserable I would feel if I had forced myself to go anywhere.

Then I try to lean into the joy of staying home so I can get something out of this time I created for myself.

How to manage third-party imposed introvert guilt

Consider the fairness of this guilt

Because majority of society is extroverted, I think it can sometimes be easy for introverts to believe third-party guilt a little too easily.

Perhaps it’s because you’ve already created a little self-imposed guilt. Or perhaps you’ve learned society says you “should” be attending a certain event and feel like the guilt is enherintly justified.

But the thing is, a lot of the time it isn’t.

If someone is trying to guilt you, take a pause to really evaluate if there’s a real reason to feel guilty. This can go a long way in helping you respond better.

There’s nothing wrong wanting to stay home, needing to leave early, or needing to set some healthy boundaries.

If you find you’re not actually doing anything wrong, it might make it easier to let that guilt go.

Granted, sometimes, the guilt might be fair.

Of course, there are absolutely situations where you truly don’t have the energy to show up for yourself, let alone someone else.

And in those situations, you should opt-out no matter what, no matter who is trying to guilt you.

But sometimes, a friend may need us, or a family member is graduating. And while your energy levels may be low, it may be necessary to rally for the right situation.

If you think the guilt is fair, it may be time to rally and show up.

But if you can give an honest assessment and know you’re doing nothing wrong, don’t let yourself fall into someone else’s guilt trap.

Consider yourself

I have a real issue with third-party guilt in any instance, introvert-related or not.

This is largely because I believe if someone is using guilt to create their desired outcome, they’re prioritizing what they may want over what you may need.

This is especially true for introverts.

It’s always nice when people want you to show up places, but in most cases, their night will not be ruined by your absence. They may be disappointed, but it truly wouldn’t be the end of the world if you stayed home.

However, it’s very possible that, depending on the activity and your energy levels, your night and the following day(s) may be ruined by your attendance.

If you’re being leveled with some unfair third-party introvert guilt, I’ve found a good way to let go of it is by remembering that the only person looking out for me in this situation is myself.

If the other person isn’t going to consider me, then there’s no reason for me to feel bad about prioritizing what I need.

Consider the importance of this relationship

If you find that you’re receiving a lot of third party guilt from one particular source, it may be worth considering how important this relationship is to you.

If it’s really important, it might be time to sit down and talk to this person about what it means to be an introvert. (You can get some tips here.)

Ideally, with a little understanding and awareness, they’ll stop guilting you every time you make a positive choice for yourself.

If the relationship isn’t worth that kind of effort, it may be worth considering if you really need this relationship in your life.

No one should be guilted or feel bad for taking care of themselves, and that’s essentially what you’re doing when you say no to protect your energy.

If you have people in your life who can’t respect that, then those relationships are not serving you. It may be worth setting them aside to make room for ones that do.

Looking for more tips on how to manage your introverted life?

If you want more tips and tricks on how to manage your introvert life and build plenty of healthy introvert habits, check out the Introvert Life Guide!

This guide was designed to help you build the introvert life of your dreams. And it’s full of plenty of tips, tricks, and ideas to help you create an introvert life that’s uniquely yours!

It will also help you embrace your introverted nature and build a life to help you thrive!

For more introvert life tips, check out the other introvert posts!

Sound off: How do you manage your introvert guilt? Tell us about it in the comments!