We live in a world that values self-sacrifice, and while there are times when that is good, admirable, and necessary, it’s not a sustainable way to live on a day to day basis.
One of the biggest ways I’ve notice people being more self-sacrificing than is ideal or healthy is when it comes to their time.
Sometimes, we should give our time to others, but if we do that too much, we may find ourselves living a life that isn’t our own. That’s not good!
I have found my life is better, and I am a better person for others when I am in complete control of how I spend my time.
Here’s are some steps that helped me take more control over what I do with my time and who I give it away to.
Don’t feel like you have to give an immediate answer
When someone asks you for your time, they’ve had time to think about it. They’ve likely thought about what they’d like you to do, when they’d like you to do it, and why you’re the best person to ask.
You can give yourself the same courtesy.
If your aren’t completely sure of the answer you want to give, it’s okay to say, “Let me think about it and get back to you!”
That doesn’t mean you can’t give an answer on the spot if you want to, but you shouldn’t feel like you’re obligated to.
It’s okay to consider the pros and cons before saying yes or no to something
If you don’t want to do something, say, “No.”
“No” is always a perfectly acceptable answer! You don’t even have to have a good reason!
If a friend/family member/coworker/stranger asks you to spend your time in a way you don’t want to spend it, say no. It can be anything to going out to a dinner you don’t like or can’t afford, to a movie you don’t want to see, or to a baby shower you don’t have the tolerance for.
You are not obligated to say yes to something just because someone asked you.
You can say no, and you can do so politely! A simple, “I’m not able to do that,” “that doesn’t work for me,” or “Unfortunately, I can’t make it,” should do the trick.
Stop justifying your time management to others—even friends and family
You’ll notice the declining phrases in the last point did not include an excuse as to why you aren’t able to say yes.
That’s because the reason doesn’t matter.
Your time is yours to give to whomever you choose, and you do not need to justify how you choose to spend your time to anyone.
Now, this point doesn’t really apply to the big stuff, like a family wedding (if you like your family), or other similar major events. Sometimes we do have to show up to be supportive (or explain why we can’t) to earn our family/friend/etc titles.
But if you get invited to a night out with friends and you want to stay home, you don’t have to explain yourself. All you have to do is decline the invitation and hold your ground.
Consider what you would want a friend to do in this situation
There can be some guilt that comes with taking control of your time. This is especially true if you know that your response will disappoint someone.
One way that has helped me (and some of my friends) mitigate this guilt is by considering the situation if roles were reversed.
If you were asking a friend for something, would you want them to feel obligated to say yes? Or would you want them to only say yes if they actually wanted to?
I can’t answer this question for you, but personally, I wouldn’t want my friends to ever feel like they have to do something for me. I’m thrilled when they want to do something for me, but if they ever felt obligated to say yes to me, I would rather they say no.
In my mind, it’s a lot harder to feel guilty when I’m doing what I would want a friend to do if they were in my place.
Consider your energy level and other commitments
It’s important to realize how much you have to give and to recognize when you’re tapped out.
It’s very possible that you’re presented with an offer that you want to say yes to, even though you’re having a crazy busy week and/or have other commitments demanding your time and attention.
In situations like this, it’s important to consider if you really have the time and energy to add something else to your plate. Be honest with yourself.
No one is their best when they’re overextended. As much as you might want to do something or help someone out, if you don’t have the time or energy, it’s important to say no.
You know how airlines tell you not to help someone else with their oxygen mask in an emergency until after you put your own on? You can apply a similar principal to managing your time.
Before you give your time away, check in first and see if you need it for yourself. You need to help yourself before you have the strength and energy to help someone else.
It’s not being selfish. It’s making sure you’re at your best, which is a benefit to everyone.
Protect your time, but don’t be an asshole
Just as a side note, none of this is advocating being an asshole.
If you want to help someone out and you have the bandwidth and ability to do so, do it!
The point is to scale back on the things you agree to out of obligation. You are not obligated to give your time to anyone, but it’s good to want to give your time to people who have proven to be good friends and allies (or, on occasion, as a simple act of kindness).
However, it’s important to be sure your needs are met before you expel time, energy, and money you don’t have meeting someone else’s needs.
You’ll be happier for it, and you’ll likely enjoy doing the activities you agree to do to more because you’ll have the interest and energy to do them.
Sound off: How do you take control of your time? Tell us about it below!