Introvert awareness is more prevalent than ever, but we’re still out numbered by extroverts (at least we were the last time I checked).
Because of that, there are plenty of extroverts out there who don’t totally understand what it means to be an introvert.
If they see us alone (by choice) they sit down next to us. They want to talk, and they want to know “what’s wrong.” They want to drag us out to a bar or party on a night that we just want to stay in.
This, of course, doesn’t apply to all extroverts, but I think every introvert can point to at least a few in their life that match this description. They often mean well, they just don’t understand what we need.
So, here are some tips to help manage extroverts who just don’t get what it means to be an introvert.
1) Explain what it means to be an introvert
In my experience, one of the biggest reasons extroverts try to drag introverts into the social scene or disrupt their recharge time is because they don’t understand what it means to be an introvert.
As extroverts, they get so much energy from being around people, that they tend to assume everyone feels this way. The fact that majority of people are extroverts means they often validate this idea amongst each other.
So when an extrovert sees an introvert alone, they’re more inclined to approach this person because it’s what they would want someone to do for them.
They think they’re helping.
They likely to think the introvert is sad, shy, or that something’s wrong, because it simply isn’t very instinctive for extroverts to purposefully seek solitude on a regular basis.
If you explain to your extrovert what it means to be an introvert and that your needs a simply different than theirs, that may be enough to get them to leave you alone when you ask. At the very least, it’s the best place to start. This introvert 101 post can help!
2) Be direct about what you want and what you need
Like we just covered, extroverts often can’t relate to the need or desire to be alone on a regular basis. Because of that, you need to be vocal and direct about what you want and what you need.
If you’re extroverted friend wants you to spend a weekend going from one party/hangout to the next, it’s up to you to say that that’s too many activities for one weekend for you.
Even if you’ve already explained to your extrovert friend what it means to be an introvert, it still may take some time before they truly consider this when making plans.
Again, it’s not instinctual for them to see time alone as a necessity. The more you gently, but directly, remind them of what you need, the more they will start to factor this in when making plans.
3) Be polite but clear and unapologetic when you need down time
You are the only person who truly knows what you need to be happy and healthy. If someone has invited you somewhere (or worse, scheduled something for you), when you need to recharge, it’s up to you to protect your down time.
That doesn’t mean you should/have to be rude. You can politely, but firmly, say, “I won’t be able to make it,” or “I can’t then, but how about another day?” Both of these responses are perfectly polite, but directly assert the fact that you won’t be attending the activity.
The one thing you don’t have to do is apologize.
Now, I understand that it may feel like you should apologize because you know you’ll be at home doing “nothing.”
But here’s the thing: you’re not really really doing “nothing.” You’re taking care of yourself, and that’s nothing to apologize for.
For more on how to advocate for yourself as an introvert, check out this post!
4) Let them see the negative effects of too much socialization
Since extroverts gain energy from socializing, it might be hard for them to truly understand what happens when an introvert over socializes. In situations like this, sometimes seeing is believing.
If you have an extrovert in your life who has been respectful of your requests, but still doesn’t seem to fully get while they’re necessary, let them see the aftermath of over socializing.
Let them see how drained you are after way too much social activity.
This tip come from an introverted friend of mine with a very extroverted boyfriend. She’d talked to him about the difference between introverts and extroverts, and he’d been respectful, but he didn’t really get it. Then one day, the two of them spend an entire day at a large family function.
The day after, she had a very serious social hangover. She slept until noon, woke up, drank a pot of coffee, and went back to bed for another four hours. Her boyfriend was stunned.
When she was feeling better, they talked about what happened and she told him that this was the result of an over socialized, overstimulated introvert. His response: “Oh, wow. We need to plan better from now on.”
5) Push back if your requests aren’t being met
If your needs and requests aren’t being met, don’t be afraid to push back.
If you find yourself in this situation, it means that your extrovert is prioritizing what they want over what you need. If they can prioritize themselves, then you shouldn’t hesitate to do the same.
I know this isn’t always easy. I think as introverts, a lot of us grew up being criticized by people who didn’t understand us.
We’ve been made to feel like there’s something wrong with us for not wanting to socialize and for choosing to pass time doing solo activities. We’ve been made to feel like we need to “overcome” our introverted nature.
But there isn’t anything wrong with any of us. Being an introvert isn’t something to overcome, it’s something to appreciate and respect.
When an extrovert reaches this point, it’s okay to be rude if you have to.
If someone is not respecting what you’re asking and what you need, then you absolutely have the right to push back hard. To defiantly and pointedly say, “I won’t be doing that,” and to stand your ground no matter how hard you’re pushed.
You do not owe anyone your time or energy.
If some extroverts feel compelled to take it, then they are likely unworthy of it, and you should protect it from them at all costs.
6) If what you want and what you need aren’t being honored, limit or get strategic about how you engage
If despite the explanations, requests, and pushback, you still can’t get your extrovert to understand what you need, consider limiting how much you interact with them.
Because at this point, it’s not really about the introvert/extrovert disconnect. It’s about this person being a pretty shitty, disrespectful human.
Not everyone is going to understand you. That’s fine. But if they don’t respect you, that’s not so fine, and you should consider re-evaluating why that person is in your life in the first place.
If the disrespect continues, it might be time to stop answering texts/phone calls/invites from this person and let them slowly fade away from your life.
However, this can be tricky for family and coworkers, so if you can’t limit your interaction with someone, get strategic. Don’t answer their texts and requests right away, and don’t engage with them unless you absolutely have to.
Remember, you don’t owe anyone anything just because they ask. As an introvert, your energy is a valuable commodity, and it’s up to you to give it to whomever you wish.
Looking for more in-depth tips on how to manage the extroverts in your life?
If you want to dig a little deeper into this topic, check out the Introvert Life Guide!
This guide was designed to help you build the introvert life of your dreams. And it’s full of plenty of tips and tricks to help you manage the extroverts in your life.
It will also help you embrace your introverted nature and build a life to help you thrive!
Sound off: What extra tips do you have to manage the extroverts in your life? Tell us about it below!