When was writing the previous INFJ post with INFJ tips to help you be your best self, be less helpful was one of the tips.
But it became quickly clear pretty that this was a topic that deserves its own post.
INFJs are helpful by nature. But I’ve found if I’m too helpful at certain times, I either end up running myself into the ground or doing more harm than good.
Here are five times INFJs should be less helpful and what we can do instead, based on my own experience.
When to Be Less helpful
When you don’t have the energy
This should always be the first consideration, though it may take some getting used to.
As INFJs, we tend to be more aware of what other people need thanks to the extraverted feeling function.
However, it’s important to check in with ourselves and recognize when our gas tanks are empty.
The old adage, “you can’t pour from an empty glass” absolutely applies here.
Over the years, I’ve gotten a lot better at recognizing what I need. But I still often don’t realize how badly I need something until I give in.
The reality is, we just don’t have the energy to help all the time. When we take the time and space to take care of ourselves, it makes us more helpful, productive people in the future.
So, it’s okay to let/ask someone else to help out instead of you when just don’t have the energy to step in.
When it’s not your problem
As INFJs, not only do we like to be helpful, but we often see the big picture. As a result, we may see a problem coming for someone else long before it actually arrives.
While you can take proactive steps to avoid problems coming your own way, I’ve learned it’s best not to do the same for other people unless they ask for your help.
For instance, let’s say, your friend is having a problem at work or an issue with a family member. It’s fine to offer a few solutions if something jumps out to you, but ultimately, this is your friend’s problem to solve.
Everyone gets to make their own choices and find their own way. In situations like this, it’s often best to take on a more supportive role. Listen to your friend, validate their feelings, and the issue at hand.
If your friend asks for some help brainstorming solutions, then by all means go for it! But you shouldn’t be taking any more responsibility for this problem beyond this.
There’s no reason to insert yourself, and give away some of your precious time and energy, trying to solve a problem that’s not yours to solve.
When it’s not your responsibility
Similar to the previous point, we sometimes may see problems or issues in something that’s not our responsibility.
But even worse is when someone might try to pass their responsibility onto us. In these cases, it’s not our duty to help and it would be best if we didn’t.
For instance, maybe you have a coworker who asks for help with a project or task.
It’s nice to help out a coworker, especially if they’ve proven that they’re willing to return the favor. But if this is a person asks repeatedly and doesn’t reciprocate, then they’re not asking for “help” they’re taking advantage.
This is a time when INFJs should be less helpful. You’re better off saving your time and energy, and allow your co-worker to find a way to to do their own job.
When it might actually deflate/hurt someone
Sometimes, our big picture thinking and ability to see problems can do more harm than good.
I find this is particularly true in situations were someone I care about has a new idea or life direction they want to explore (or something similar).
Because I care about this person, I want them to succeed. And because I see the big picture, I can see the problems they might face.
When I’m in their place, I like to know what the problems are so I can avoid them. But to other personality types, having problems pointed out to them so early can be overwhelming, discouraging, and deflating.
It may even stop that person from following through.
We’re coming from a good place in these instances. We believe in this person and want them to succeed. But we need to let them do their own thing and arrive at their problems in their own time.
In these situations, I’ve learned it’s best to simply be encouraging. If you think the person will find your insights helpful down the line, check in with them regularly.
When they’re coming up on a problem you foresee, ask them casually if they’ve thought about that problem. Perhaps they have!
And if they haven’t, getting one problem at a time, after they’ve already started their project or life change, may be more digestible and helpful.
When you’re being asked too much
Sometimes, people are just flat-out asking too much or you.
Maybe your boss is asking you to work weekends for an entire month (which isn’t in your job description).
Maybe your family is asking you to host a holiday meal that you definitely aren’t up for.
Or maybe a friend is asking you to dog-sit a very badly trained, difficult-to-manage dog.
Sometimes what’s being asked is simply too much. And in those instances INFJs should be less helpful.
It’s important to do this not only for this individual instance, but also for future expectations.
What to do instead
Offer a better person/resource
Just because you aren’t helping, doesn’t mean you have to blow someone off. Instead, offer an alternative person or resource who may be more helpful/available than you.
This is particularly good when you don’t have the energy or are being asked too much.
This can include a paid service or online resource.
Encourage independence
This is particularly good for things that aren’t your responsibility or problem.
Sometimes people try to push off their responsibilities and problems because they don’t believe they can do or solve them on their own. Other times, it’s just because they don’t want to do or solve them on their own.
Either way, a little encouragement can go a long way. It can be as simple as, “You’re smart and capable! I absolutely believe you can handle this!”
If they don’t believe in themselves, this may be a motivational push. If they don’t want to do the task, this lets them know that you know they can do it, so you won’t be helping, and they should probably get to it.
Either way, know going in that you will not be doing this task and hold firm to that line.
Support
Sometimes, people need support more than help. This is true when you see problems coming that aren’t yours, and when you don’t want to deflate someone.
Just because you aren’t taking on your friends and loved ones problems, doesn’t mean you can’t still be there for them.
It’s often enough to simply support someone without trying to solve their problems. Your support may even empower them to solve their own problems which is one of the best gifts you can give a person.
Say no and/or set or enforce a boundary
While all of the above options are true and valid, they mostly apply in situations were you want to help, but shouldn’t.
In situations where you don’t want to help–either because you don’t like what’s being asked of you, don’t like the person asking, or any other reason, it’s perfectly fine to just say no, or establish/enforce a boundary.
Your time, energy, and help is a kindness, but it’s not one you’re required to give–even in instances where you feel like you “should.”
Check out these posts for more on saying no, and boundaries.
Looking for more in-depth tips on how to manage your introverted life?
If you want to dig a little deeper, check out the Introvert Life Guide!
This guide was designed to help you build the introvert life of your dreams. And it’s full of plenty of tips and tricks to help you manage the five biggest areas of your introvert life.
While it wasn’t written just for INFJs, it should also help you navigate plenty of additional common INFJ problems.
It will also help you embrace your introverted nature and build a life to help you thrive!
For more introvert life tips, check out the other introvert posts!
Sound off: Have you learned other times INFJs should be less helpful? Tell us about it in the comments!